Infertility and Your Sex Life 

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Published May 16, 2020

Dr. Abayomi Ajayi

Perhaps you have always been told or you read it up somewhere that if you want to conceive and have a baby, you should put energy into having the same quality of intense , uninhibited and satisfying sex that you were having during your early days as a couple.

A medical doctor might even have told you that if you take time and effort to ensure that you both have a satisfying sexual experience each time you have intercourse you are actually boosting your chances of producing a baby. It is all true. Rule of thumb is that , infertility or no infertility , the sex should be as thrilling as it was when you first met and you were not thinking about babies.

However , it is not a wild expectation that the better the quality of love -making , the greater your chances of conception . We know from experience that this is a lot easier said than done , as it is not unusual that when you are trying to have a baby , the sex often becomes a bit of a chore and routine .

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Trying to conceive can often start out fun because it encourages sexual intercourse , but infertility is not fun because it discourages it. While infertility often brings increased depression , anxiety and negative self -esteem , few couples readily open up willingly about how it impacts their sex life . It has to be forced out of them . It is as if , once infertile , if you want to get pregnant , you can no longer stay in the privacy of your bedroom , and reproduction becomes sterile and clinical .

Essentially , what is supposed to be an intimate and private experience between you and your spouse in the privacy of your bedroom , becomes a public spectacle that involves a crowd of doctors , nurses , embryologists and genetic counsellors in the infertility clinic . The intimacy of procreation that you and your spouse should share is now shared publicly with many people .

During infertility treatment , there is the possibility that all spontaneity is taken out of sex and you are told when you can and cannot have sex. Sex that was once a time for you as a couple to connect and blissfully escape from the troubles around you has now become a painful reminder of the very troubles within .

The challenges that infertility can bring in the bedroom could be hard to cope with but you do not have to lose your sexual identity during infertility . You and your spouse are sexual beings and should not trade your sexuality for your fertility .

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So how do you get through infertility and find a connection to your sexuality and your partner while going through infertility treatment ? There are some ways around this challenge. You can start by not waiting to address sex until after you have resolved your infertility . The idea of waiting till after you get pregnant and have completed your family before you plan on working on improving your sex life never works . While your sex life may be different during infertility , it does not have to be nonexistent or unsatisfying .

Consider having sex outside of your ‘normal ’ or regimented fertile times to take the pressure off conception . Avoid only having sex on a schedule. Try to separate sex from conception even when you have started infertility treatment . Make sex essential for pleasure and connection .

Sex on demand is often stressful for men and could impact on performance . As a woman , do not think of him as a sperm machine , and you the man do not think of her simply as an egg incubator . Sex isn’t just a means to an end .

When a man is fully stimulated because he is enjoying regular and stimulating sex, he will ejaculate up to 50 per cent more , boosting formation of more healthy sperm . It is not unusual that extra sexual activity before ejaculation produces additional sperm .

Look at it this way : the better the sex, the better the chances of conception . As a couple , you need to realise that the more sexually excited the man is , the more stimulated he will be and the greater the chances that he is going to ejaculate more and healthier sperm .

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For you the woman, having more orgasms is not just more pleasure but enhanced fertility . When you experience orgasm, the intensity of muscular contractions in your body helps pull up the sperm into your cervix and into the uterus .

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